Serenity Now!!!
Update (1-7-19) - I recorded a new podcast on this topic. Click below to access it.
‘Emotional Control’, this often sought after and rarely attained side effect from martial arts training. We envision a wise old master sitting quietly in meditation, serene, placid, only to turn into a verifiable badass the moment the movie needs an action star to save the day. Undertaking martial arts, consuming supplemental materials in our journey such as movies, television, or in Asian style martial arts, wu xia, or even religious or philosophical teachings that were, tacked on to the art at times. We can experience teachings and practices that espouse control over the body, mind, and spirit, and yet, fail to show us the way.
What we don’t see is, emotional control does not come for free, nor as an proxy trait of simply being enrolled in martial arts classes a few times per week year over year. Emotional control does not come with sparring, nor does it come without sparring. This skill only comes from proper training, and constant diligence in applying said training.
Being punched, slapped, kicked, or choked induces a highly emotional reaction for most of us. Especially if we have experienced some sort of trauma or abuse in life. For others, the act of hitting someone else is a highly emotional act, and may even cause unforeseen responses in us such as: anxiety, fear, hesitation, and more.
These reactions caused by different catalysts are each, common for some, and completely foreign to others. What they share in common is, learning to control ourselves when we are experiencing these combative acts, and overcoming the body and/or minds’ natural response so that we can still function and apply our skills under duress. Sparring, the glue that binds martial arts training, allows us to confront things within ourselves that we may never see otherwise. In my experience, the mats teach us more about ourselves than we can learn in any other activity we undertake. If attended to, and cultivated we can take that knowledge, and experience growth not just physically but mentally, and spiritually.
REQUIRED TRAINING
If someone studies martial arts but never spars, they simply cannot know what it is like to function under stress until it is too late; they have not been inoculated to violence. On the opposing side, if someone spars all the time and isn’t taught to control their emotions (rage, fear, jealousy, inferiority, retaliation, pity, etc.), they will fail to develop this skill of emotional control.
Rage and anger can cost us a fight, I have won, and lost fights entirely due to this lack of control. Here one of many examples:
One sunny summer day in the early 1980’s, there was a concrete bandstand in the center of a small town in New Hampshire, USA. I was 10 years old. A friend and I were playing on the elevated deck of the bandstand when another friend arrived. I was sitting on the railing about 10 feet of the ground when he suddenly and violently pushed me off the edge.
I fell, slamming into the ground below. He raced down to revel in his glory and laughed uncontrollably as my other friend stood by. I felt the pain, but what overtook my body was an intense broiling rage. My heart raced, my vision closed to tiny tubes as if I were peering at my target through the scope of a snipers rifle; adrenaline coursed through my veins giving me a primal strength my youthful body had never felt. I attacked with all the savage ferocity my tiny preadolescent body could muster.
My opponent, a student of karate, laughed and remained calm in face of my oncoming barrage. He deftly applied his superior range and agility, side stepping my furious charge and throwing me to ground like a doll of rags. I sprung to my feet again and again, each time he would deflect, sending me into the dirt face first. This only angered me more, causing me to go back with increased fury.
Eventually my newfound ally adrenaline fled the front lines, leaving me spent and broken in the coarse hot dirt, starkly aware that with my greatest of efforts, I was utterly useless and defeated. At the time, I could not see that my excessive, wild, and animalistic attacks were causing my own demise.
Emotional control does not mean we are immune to feeling fear, anger, or the other emotions that accompany the chaos of engaging in conflict with another human. It means that we experience these feelings, and we continue function without letting them control us, without allowing them to inhibit us, or prevent us from defending ourselves.
In order to build this skill in training we need to spar, to test our skills to ensure that they work. However, doing this improperly, or too soon, can have permanent adverse effects much akin to trauma.
How do we train Emotional Control?
If sparring is necessary to build emotional control, how do we do so without putting ourselves in the fire of all out conflict and no holds barred fighting? How do we lower the cost of failure in sparring in order to build fighting skills along with emotional control?
There are a few mandatory components to ensure effective results. First though, is understanding what all of us will do if/when we are introduced to sparring too early in the training process.
Slow to learn, fast to test.
Each an every one of us walking into martial arts training has two attributes we come through the door with regardless of whether or not we are absent of skill. These attributes become a crutch that we fall back on whenever we are faced with stress, anxiety, fear, aggression, or the unknown. These attributes are speed and power.
You can easily say, “I’m not strong.”, or “I’m not fast.”, but when push comes to shove, you will move fast and go hard, it is instinctive. In order to properly train skills we need to remove these elements from the training process. Slow things down so we have time to figure things out, to diagnose, to recognize mistakes.
When I was first introduced to this idea, I latched right on to it. Some research on the human brain, learning methods, teaching techniques over the years, all reinforced this in various ways. But the place I learned it didn’t enforce it, only said it over and over like lip service. I spent years saying it in my own gym, telling students to slow down, to stop using strength. Things improved but it was never reliable.
There was one way to mitigate this, and it truly works.
Talk
Yes, talking. It is that simple. Before sparring with someone, especially if we are nervous, try talking with them for a moment. Ask how they are doing. Talk about a recent movie, or current event. Find a way to break the ice, to create a connection between the two of you. This can change the future.
What follows next, is a vastly different approach to the sparring match than what would have happened had we gone into the match amped up, nervous, scared, etc. Silence is deafening. Especially in the training hall. Help one another. Point out what we like about the other's technique or skills.
When I learned this principle from a Mantis Boxing coach I was already a coach myself. I was traveling across the country to train two to three times per year with this group. I only sparred with members of this group on those trips. The rest of the time I was sparring with my own students, and friends, which changes the dynamic of using this principle, especially when you’re the only one who knows it. I was always the one using it to help my students acclimate to sparring.
Aside from when I was first shown it, I never really benefited from this being used to help me, but I gained a invaluable insight from this process. As I traversed my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu path, more times than I can count I would attend class, team training, or visit another school to train at, invariably I would get paired up with the meanest looking player in the room.
The coach would pair us off, and having already scouted the room beforehand, I knew who was trouble. They would usually have a disgusted or angry face on, and no one would go near them to even talk to them before class. Looking at them, I could ascertain that if I were paired up with them it was going to be all out war in the ensuing match. Instead, I fell back on this skill I had built from coaching.
As it so happened, I would usually end up being paired off with these folks. When the coach called out our names I would go up, shake hands, and sit in front of them or aside them on the mats. As we waited for the coach to finish pairing people off, then for the bell to go off, or after the bell if there was no time, I would ask their name, where they are from, or what they do for work. Something to break the tension.
It turns out, with the exception of one person out of all the times this happened, and it was many, the individual was super nice, and we found something in common after talking for a few minutes. The result? The match would be relaxed, smooth, and injury free. Excellent experiences and the beginning of new friendships.
What I came to realize is, these individuals were just as nervous, anxious, afraid, not of my hulking 5’6” demon frame, but of sparring with people they didn’t know, or wondering if they were going to get smashed again today, or even worse…injured. By the look on their face it was easy to assume they were angry, or mean, but this was simply a mask, their mask, to hide the real underlying emotion - fear. Once someone took the time to say hello, they became completely different people and showed their true colors.
TALK BOX
You can even talk while sparring. I know this seems silly, and it can be quite difficult at first, but later this becomes a crucial training tool. By talking we learn to stabilize our emotions while getting hit or hitting someone else. Removing the stress from the situation allows the brain freedom to learn, and the ability to maintain a good 'speed' for gaining, and advancing skill.
We want to focus on relaxing, and gaining this coveted emotional control. Later on when we have achieved this and sparring is less of a stress to us, we can focus on trying to fix things while we’re sparring. At this stage, we'll be in a different place skill-wise. As our training progresses, so too does our ability to control our emotions. We train, not only to be able to handle ourselves physically in bad situations, but also to inoculate ourselves to physical contact so if and when things go bad outside the gym, we react without thought, we perform as our training has prepared us, without our emotions getting in the way.
UPDATES
All of the above is true and I still stand by it. However, I will add that in the past two years we have taken another step to ensure success. We no longer allow sparring until students have gone through the entire curriculum one time. By giving people skills to fall back on, rather than relying on speed and power when faced with the unknown, we’ve been able to reduce injury, increase camaraderie, and begin building emotional control from the ground up, rather than what we were doing prior.
At the time of this article, and since first learning and instituting this in my gym back in 2006, the success rate was pretty poor from student to student. This was due to sparring early on. We had not replaced the attributes with skills, or instituted a few other necessary practices that have shown extremely high success rates. When it is complete, I’ll post a link to my recent talk on this at the Martial Arts Studies conference in Cardiff, UK. Stay hooked.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
In the meantime, check out my friend Ando’s vlog on this same topic. Ando is an extremely high level martial artist, and incredibly adept coach who has spent decades perfecting his teaching methods. Take a few moments to watch this great video he put together on how he deals with emotions in the training process. You will laugh, and perhaps cry along with him as you watch. I highly recommend following his channel to see some of the great work he puts out.
